Happiness and Living Openly

            Are you happy? I have heard this common query throughout my life. I have been asked it and have asked it. At times happiness has eluded me but, for the most part, I have enjoyed a happy and fulfilled life. While happiness is a complex phenomenon, there are some principles that have proved very helpful over the years: striving to live to my full potential, maintaining my independence, continuing to grow, and being authentic in my relationships. Of these, living authentically and openly has been the most challenging and most valuable to me. Only through living openly have I come to feel the deep sense that I really matter.

            Many people have explored how to attain happiness. The idea of happiness being an end goal first emerged a couple thousand years ago among the Epicurean philosophers around the Mediterranean. Even still, happiness has only held a marginal place of consideration until recent centuries. The real breakthrough for happiness came about during the Enlightenment era when those American founding fathers enshrined the idea: the Declaration of Independence declares the pursuit of happiness one of those inalienable human rights. Today we find it difficult to imagine a person who does not want to be happy.

            In its simplest terms happiness can be described as a state of satisfaction: those moments or periods when we have satiated our desires and appetites. If we adopt this simple formula we need to either manage our desires or do whatever is necessary to satisfy them. In order to be happy, of course, we face practical limits on what we can do to pursue the things we want. For example, I may desire to go to the moon. In such a case it may be wiser to temper my wants or align all my energy and abilities in the pursuit of this goal. Yet even here, other desires would necessarily be sacrificed or managed in order to achieve this end. There are limits to what one can do with desires. Every four or five hours I have a strong urge to eat food (usually the fatty and sugary type). While I can moderate and cultivate better tastes, in the end, I need to eat and eliminating this desire would not make me happy. 

            As such, I see a lot of benefit in looking at this thing called desire. Where do desires come from? Obviously, many are physiological and rooted in our social biology, others emerge culturally. From our earliest years we are taught according to various ideals and social scripts what to want. We attend church meetings or watch movies that instruct us and direct us in what we ought to desire. These desirables come in the forms of things, activities, people, and even the type of people we should be. These pressures impose limits on us and leave us a few options. We can naively cave to whatever pressure or desire is foremost, or we can choose to engage them more consciously. We possess the capacity to choose among the various desires and select those that matter the most. We can cultivate and enlarge those appetites that, if satisfied, produce the most opportunities for a satisfied state over the long term. Every desire we experience cannot be satisfied and every desire is not equal.

            For me, the desire to make a difference in the world for good is such a multiplier of happiness. To make a difference by equipping a student with some of the skills necessary to choose what he or she will do with their life makes me feel a sense that I matter. I value the ability to choose and pursue my own direction in life. I expand that effectively by making that value possible in the lives of others. Through seeing my efforts change the world around me, even subtly, I establish that I matter. This quality of mattering has emerged as a significant part of my happy life.

            Mattering requires authenticity and open living. If I hide myself, withhold those parts of myself that are unique, withdraw from speaking or acting in accordance with what I know, value, or believe in, then, I am conforming with the norms or the day and betraying who I authentically am. I am following a faceless social script amalgamated from all the desires and appetites popularized among the mediocre. Or, I am appeasing the desires of those in power to play a game of politics in which my authenticity is sacrificed in order to achieve some political aim, maintain my own security or curry affection. Either way, those desires closest to the man I am cannot be abandoned without cost to my happy state. Going with the flow removes all those things that make me unique and make it so I cannot make a real difference in the world.

            I did not acquire this insight into the connection between open living and happiness easily. I grew up in devout Mormon household and was taught that happiness comes from being obedient to God’s plan of happiness. Through keeping His commandments and conforming to the program of the church I would be happy both here and in the afterlife. As I grew up, married, and pursued this program, I experienced a measure of happiness. Loved ones and acquaintances rewarded me for my conformity. Eventually though, my desire to know the truth concerning this plan, independent of the authority figures who taught it, propelled me into a world full of critical thinking and questioning. I came to a point that what I knew about the universe differed radically from the community of my youth. I could not square the plan of happiness I had received with what I had come to know. Fearing rejection, the loss of security and affection, I hid the values that mattered the most to me. Doing so I lost even the measure of happiness I had known prior to my questioning. Eventually, I reached a point I could no longer remain hidden and quiet. When I came out to those closest to me, I felt a surge of happiness that overwhelmed all the trepidation connected with that act. I have marveled at that because I did not anticipate or imagine that opening up in such a manner would be so satisfying and fulfilling. I realized that ceasing to hide opened up the possibility for what I knew to make a difference in the world. I found myself authentically present among those I loved. Since that time, I have striven for ways to live more openly and my happiness has correspondingly deepened.  

            Living one’s life in such a way that makes a difference in the world is not easy. Open living with authenticity and integrity comes with risk: the risk of engagement. When we engage with the world and society authentically we risk our sense of self. We do open ourselves to make change, but we also risk being changed or rendered irrelevant. We even confront the possibility of outright rejection. Most importantly we face the question: Can I make a difference? We expose our dearest values, hopes, and dreams to others. Perhaps we should be careful. We should employ strategies and wisdom in managing the time, place, and manner in which we live openly. In my experience, it is a risk worth taking because it is a process I have grown into and have derived much happiness from. We are enriched by open engagement. The values we hold are refined by honest interaction with the community and society in which we live. Our country and world is made a better place by our honest contribution. Being as forthcoming as possible, being fully present honestly and authentically we find happiness and extend that happiness to others.